I’m counting days, to a day where a new phase of life will start, a big shift, a turning point, – No I’m not becoming a mother, yet! It’s 76 days to my wedding day, a happily ever after (may God grant). Excited? Yes because I finally get to own the whole kitchen to myself! Haha! It’s a mixed feelings, honestly. Nervous, sad, happy, grateful, excited, hopeful and insecure at the same time. Nervous? It’s worse than a public speaking’s stage-fright. You are not human if you don’t feel at least a bit of nervous. Sad? Because I feel like I’m still a young girl for my parents, already I’m not seeing them as often now due to my working distance, what will happen if I can’t go home that frequent in the future? I’ll be having two homes to return to. What about my siblings, I’m gonna miss them so much, I even miss them now and always. Happy, very. I am happy because I found someone who loves me back, and I finally have someone to share my life with, in good and in bad. I am truly grateful for this gift from God.
I won’t lie about feeling insecure though. I mean, I have so many flaws. I’m fat, I’m no where close to what you call “pretty”, I have monolid eyes, I’m not fashionable, I’m sensitive, I hate waiting, I’m overly attached, I’ll cry during my PMS, and so much more. Will he be able to have patience, will he accept me for who I am, will he understand when I get emotional? Will he look at other girls, who are prettier, nicer? And you know what, almost all married women I met whom I had conversation about marriage with, would give one same advice: “When you’re married, do not trust your husband one hundred percent, save some in your own pocket just in case anything happens”. It’s kinda daunting, to receive such an advice, I wonder where does that come from. Perhaps women with cheating husband cases came up with it, and it was being passed on to other women as a precaution to save your own little heart when you are betrayed by your own husband. True enough that we cannot foresee what is written for us, but I personally think it is unfair to have such negative thought to your own partner, when he can trust you wholeheartedly. Especially when you are about to build a home together, aren’t we supposed to have hopes, that it will last forever? I might be a little too positive, I don’t know, should I be negative then? These thoughts, are those which make me feel insecure and uncertain about starting a new life in the next two months time.
I have a book of “101 things I wish I Knew when I Got Married”. Let’s finish it before the big day. Hopefully everything will be just fine. May God ease, may He bless us.
stardust 