I am so tired. My body, my heart, my mind. I hate for not being able to treasure my own sweet time while having breakfast which is supposed to be the most enjoyable thing in a day for me. I hate it when I can’t spend more time talking to my baby even if it’s just in my tummy. I’m sad when I can’t have extra hours for my husband just to cook for him or talk to him. I miss cuddling with him because now I have to have extra pillows supporting my aching back. I’m worried that I’m being too negative while I should be cheerful and positive in these few months more of being pregnant. I’m so exhausted.

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Effort

Don’t ever ignore someone’s effort to tell you how much you mean to them. Every word they say might have been revised and rehearsed thousands of times. They might have imagined the scene in their head over and over again. They might be wondering cluelessly about what you’re going to say. They might be hesitating to make the phone call, or draft the message and delete and draft it again, and again. They might use every ounce of courage they have in them to say it out to you, to tell you how much you mean to them, how much they miss you, how much – they love you. At the end of the day, we are scared of rejection, we are afraid of feeling worthless, we afraid our efforts will go to waste and not appreciated.

You think they think too much? No, because I know how hard it is to say something like that to someone. We don’t say what we don’t mean, and what are words, if we don’t really mean them?

I understand that everything happened for a reason. It’s easy to say that, but it surely not easy to really comprehend. Sometimes we want what we want, but not all of the time that we can get everything that we want. Sometimes what you wish for doesn’t come true, sometimes things that you always dreamed of, others can get in a blink of an eye. Sometimes what you’ve been praying for, doesn’t get answered and granted. And to believe there’s must be a reason behind everything that you don’t get, it really takes time to build the faith. And in the process, you become broken, shattered and miserable. Just when you think you are about to heal, and you see how happy others are when you don’t have anything, it breaks you again and again, and the shattered pieces fall apart for the millionth of time. Am I that worthless that I don’t even deserve to be happy? 

I’m not a queen, and I don’t expect to be treated like one. 

I don’t need roses, or a kiss on my hand 

I don’t need poems about how deep is your love

Because I’d only believe it when I see it in your eyes

All I crave for is to be pampered with your attention, and care

Counting Days

I’m counting days, to a day where a new phase of life will start, a big shift, a turning point,  – No I’m not becoming a mother, yet! It’s 76 days to my wedding day, a happily ever after (may God grant). Excited? Yes because I finally get to own the whole kitchen to myself! Haha! It’s a mixed feelings, honestly. Nervous, sad, happy, grateful, excited, hopeful and insecure at the same time. Nervous? It’s worse than a public speaking’s stage-fright. You are not human if you don’t feel at least a bit of nervous. Sad? Because I feel like I’m still a young girl for my parents, already I’m not seeing them as often now due to my working distance, what will happen if I can’t go home that frequent in the future? I’ll be having two homes to return to. What about my siblings, I’m gonna miss them so much, I even miss them now and always. Happy, very. I am happy because I found someone who loves me back, and I finally have someone to share my life with, in good and in bad. I am truly grateful for this gift from God.

I won’t lie about feeling insecure though. I mean, I have so many flaws. I’m fat, I’m no where close to what you call “pretty”, I have monolid eyes, I’m not fashionable,  I’m sensitive, I hate waiting, I’m overly attached, I’ll cry during my PMS, and so much more. Will he be able to have patience, will he accept me for who I am, will he understand when I get emotional? Will he look at other girls, who are prettier, nicer? And you know what, almost all married women I met whom I had conversation about marriage with, would give one same advice: “When you’re married, do not trust your husband one hundred percent, save some in your own pocket just in case anything happens”. It’s kinda daunting, to receive such an advice, I wonder where does that come from. Perhaps women with cheating husband cases came up with it, and it was being passed on to other women as a precaution to save your own little heart when you are betrayed by your own husband. True enough that we cannot foresee what is written for us, but I personally think it is unfair to have such negative thought to your own partner, when he can trust you wholeheartedly. Especially when you are about to build a home together, aren’t we supposed to have hopes, that it will last forever? I might be a little too positive, I don’t know, should I be negative then? These thoughts, are those which make me feel insecure and uncertain about starting a new life in the next two months time.

I have a book of “101 things I wish I Knew when I Got Married”. Let’s finish it before the big day. Hopefully everything will be just fine. May God ease, may He bless us.

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