Effort

Don’t ever ignore someone’s effort to tell you how much you mean to them. Every word they say might have been revised and rehearsed thousands of times. They might have imagined the scene in their head over and over again. They might be wondering cluelessly about what you’re going to say. They might be hesitating to make the phone call, or draft the message and delete and draft it again, and again. They might use every ounce of courage they have in them to say it out to you, to tell you how much you mean to them, how much they miss you, how much – they love you. At the end of the day, we are scared of rejection, we are afraid of feeling worthless, we afraid our efforts will go to waste and not appreciated.

You think they think too much? No, because I know how hard it is to say something like that to someone. We don’t say what we don’t mean, and what are words, if we don’t really mean them?

I understand that everything happened for a reason. It’s easy to say that, but it surely not easy to really comprehend. Sometimes we want what we want, but not all of the time that we can get everything that we want. Sometimes what you wish for doesn’t come true, sometimes things that you always dreamed of, others can get in a blink of an eye. Sometimes what you’ve been praying for, doesn’t get answered and granted. And to believe there’s must be a reason behind everything that you don’t get, it really takes time to build the faith. And in the process, you become broken, shattered and miserable. Just when you think you are about to heal, and you see how happy others are when you don’t have anything, it breaks you again and again, and the shattered pieces fall apart for the millionth of time. Am I that worthless that I don’t even deserve to be happy? 

I’m not a queen, and I don’t expect to be treated like one. 

I don’t need roses, or a kiss on my hand 

I don’t need poems about how deep is your love

Because I’d only believe it when I see it in your eyes

All I crave for is to be pampered with your attention, and care

Counting Days

I’m counting days, to a day where a new phase of life will start, a big shift, a turning point,  – No I’m not becoming a mother, yet! It’s 76 days to my wedding day, a happily ever after (may God grant). Excited? Yes because I finally get to own the whole kitchen to myself! Haha! It’s a mixed feelings, honestly. Nervous, sad, happy, grateful, excited, hopeful and insecure at the same time. Nervous? It’s worse than a public speaking’s stage-fright. You are not human if you don’t feel at least a bit of nervous. Sad? Because I feel like I’m still a young girl for my parents, already I’m not seeing them as often now due to my working distance, what will happen if I can’t go home that frequent in the future? I’ll be having two homes to return to. What about my siblings, I’m gonna miss them so much, I even miss them now and always. Happy, very. I am happy because I found someone who loves me back, and I finally have someone to share my life with, in good and in bad. I am truly grateful for this gift from God.

I won’t lie about feeling insecure though. I mean, I have so many flaws. I’m fat, I’m no where close to what you call “pretty”, I have monolid eyes, I’m not fashionable,  I’m sensitive, I hate waiting, I’m overly attached, I’ll cry during my PMS, and so much more. Will he be able to have patience, will he accept me for who I am, will he understand when I get emotional? Will he look at other girls, who are prettier, nicer? And you know what, almost all married women I met whom I had conversation about marriage with, would give one same advice: “When you’re married, do not trust your husband one hundred percent, save some in your own pocket just in case anything happens”. It’s kinda daunting, to receive such an advice, I wonder where does that come from. Perhaps women with cheating husband cases came up with it, and it was being passed on to other women as a precaution to save your own little heart when you are betrayed by your own husband. True enough that we cannot foresee what is written for us, but I personally think it is unfair to have such negative thought to your own partner, when he can trust you wholeheartedly. Especially when you are about to build a home together, aren’t we supposed to have hopes, that it will last forever? I might be a little too positive, I don’t know, should I be negative then? These thoughts, are those which make me feel insecure and uncertain about starting a new life in the next two months time.

I have a book of “101 things I wish I Knew when I Got Married”. Let’s finish it before the big day. Hopefully everything will be just fine. May God ease, may He bless us.

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The Power of Turmeric Mask 

It was 8 months ago when I posted about turmeric mask for acne skin. Indeed, one of my hardest moments in life where my confidence was at the lowest point was the time when I had sudden breakouts of acne. It was one month away from my engagement day, and I felt like I was the ugliest girl. I’m grateful for having a fiancé who is so positive and supportive, for staying with me during my hard times. I was in New Zealand that time, the cold weather did not even cool down the problem, in fact it gotten even worse when my skin became very dry. 

I consulted with the doctor, he suggested that my condition was due to hormonal imbalance. I have never had such bad acne problem, even during my teenage time, only a few would appear during my menses which I consider normal. Not until I went for a facial treatment in a facial saloon for a pore refining treatment. What I got in return was a full face of reddish and swollen face with acne. I felt so lost, and I don’t think people who have never experienced this would understand.

From the doctor, he prescribed antibiotics which I consumed for months. At the same time, I read about natural remedies and that was when I encountered the turmeric mask. I was quite concerned with the antibiotics that I needed to take once a day. So I tried the turmeric mask because it also has the antibacterial effect naturally. And since the doctor claimed that my case was because of the hormonal problem, I started to consume the evening primrose oil as a supplement to restore the hormones activity (Blackmores, 3 tablets per day). At the same time, I also took royal jelly capsules (1000mg per tablet per day) which I bought in NZ. 



I apply the turmeric mask every night, before sleep, and even during day time on weekends. You only need turmeric powder, pure honey and greek yogurt to make the mask. You can keep it refrigerated if you happen to make extra. 

Another mask which I tried recently too works wonders – the sandalwood mask. All you need is sandalwood powder and mix it with rose water. I found it very cooling but be careful it might cause your face to stain yellow.

And thank God, my condition gets better. I still have acne now, and the scars too, but I’m relieved that it is better than it used to be. 

The purpose of this post is to share with people who are just like me, having face acne which eventually makes you feel like it’s the end of the world. I feel you, and I couldn’t understand more. If you ever feel bad for having face acne or breakouts, you are not alone. 

Alone

I’m so used to being alone, making my own decision even though I suck at making decisions, doing my grocery shopping alone. I used to be someone who was afraid of being alone and feeling lonely. When I was younger, I couldn’t go anywhere without someone I know accompanying me. Eating alone was the worst kind of event, it felt like the whole world would conspire to stare at you all at once. I hated the feeling of having no one to talk to, no one that I know who could save me when I needed help. I still do. But I realized, people can’t stay forever, they come and go. I need to stop being so dependent on others. I have friends, of course, but they have their own life and business too. I have families, but what can I do when they’re so far away? So I braved up, I started to involve myself in events full of strangers. I walked alone, I drove alone. It was very hard, for someone who always needed company to feel so lost, so isolated, so scared.

That courage that I took  changed me time after time. It shaped me into someone who couldn’t careless about strangers or their stares. I bet it’s true, that when you don’t give a damn, everything becomes easier. I can drive alone now, I’m in a team of people who are not my close friends, I’d eat alone if I want to, I’d go anywhere alone if I feel like to, I can talk to strangers too.  I get comfortable in my own loneliness. Maybe when we’re mature enough, being alone isn’t that bad anymore. Sometimes we need our own time to discover who we really are, to clear off our minds, to dream and think. But it doesn’t mean that I want to spend my whole life in my own solitude, because part of me still yearns for having someone to always be by my side, without me worrying that he might leave. Maybe that’s what we call love when we found that someone and we know we don’t want to be alone anymore. And when you’re apart, that same lost and soulless feeling returns.

“Sometimes life is too hard to be alone, and sometimes life is too good to be alone.”