Dilemma of a Working Mom

Let’s hold hands, and never let go

How to be convinced that a babysitter will care for your baby the way you do? Or at least the way you want your baby to be cared for? After all a babysitter is just a stranger, paid to look after your baby when you’re not around. Unless the babysitter is a family member, whom I think can be trusted and relied upon, giving a mother more peace at heart.

Dear daughter, mama is sorry for not being able to look after you once I start working. Maternity leave is coming to an end soon and I feel so sad to send you to the babysitter. 8 to 9 hours a day, which could be our precious time to spend with each other will be someone else’s to spend with you 😢

Will she spend time to talk to you? Or just let you watch TV which I will never let you to? Mama will miss hearing you babbling and watch you giving me a big smile, or perhaps miss the chance to hear your first word. Will it be “Mama”? Promise it’ll be mama okay?

Will she feed you when you cry and hungry? Or will she just feed you every time you cry even though all you need is an embrace and a little soothing song? How will she warm up the milk? Is it at the right temperature? ☹️

How will she clean you after you poo poo? Or giving you a bath? Because mama always gives you a warm bath and I enjoy watching how your little feet kicking in the water 😢

And how will she put you to sleep? Will she sing a song like I do? Because to me, looking at you sleeping is the best feeling ever. Watching you smile while you sleep and wondering if it’s mama that you’re dreaming about 😭

I’m sad. I wish I could take care of my baby by my own. But I need this job, there’s no way to quit unless I’m a millionaire or married to one.

Dear God, I pray that you will always keep my little baby safe and healthy during my absence.

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Postpartum Struggles

Stepping into motherhood, now I know that being a mom is not just having to carry a baby for 9 months (lucky me that I didn’t have any sickness during my pregnancy), give birth to it; it also includes the confinement period, and, breastfeeding. Of course throughout my pregnancy, I had been given great advices on what to eat for a healthy baby (even though most of the time I was pampered to eat for two), sleeping position when back pain is unbearable, breathing techniques and how to push a baby out. I was made aware of how painful it would be to give birth. What I was not warned about was how I should be enduring my postpartum life, how the confinement period is like (well Asians go through confinement period after giving birth), and I did not know how painful it is going to be to breastfeed a baby (thanks to my flat nipples).

My postnatal life started when I was discharged from the hospital 3 days after my delivery. And my first nightmare began when I rushed back to the hospital just 3 hours after I was discharged because my baby had blood in her spit-ups. I forgot that I just delivered a human few days ago and had my episiotomy stitches, and I walked like nobody’s business. All I could think of was to make sure my baby’s safe and healthy. Thanks to my own negligence, my episiotomy stitches were opened up and I was so depressed, and in pain! The doctor just wouldn’t stitch me back, leaving me with no choice but to walk slowly, and I had to clean my wound with warm salt water and antiseptic, every single time I used the toilet. I hated this the most, honestly.

Nightmare number two started at the same time, and it was breastfeeding. My nipples are the kind which do not protrude, and I didn’t know it would put me in such a painful situation. I had badly cracked nipples which were the cause to my baby’s bloody spit-ups and the late night emergency room drama, oh not to mention, the drama repeated itself: the same bloody spit-ups from my baby, and my baby and I was admitted (again) in the hospital! The nurses monitored my baby and my breastfeeding technique. They wanted to see the latching of my baby to my breast. And I didn’t even know how to correctly hold a baby!

It’s no joke for breastfeeding business. You need to feed your baby, with your milk, through your nipples which hurt like hell, you need to beware of what you eat since some food can cause your baby to become colicky, and trigger eczema if you’re unlucky (I am unlucky, sadly), at the same time you want to eat a lot of things to boost your milk production but you just can’t because you need to be careful of what you eat. And when you talk to other moms who exclusively breastfeed their babies, you’d feel like a loser for supplementing your baby with formula milk. I wish someone had told me all these things before.

I wish I knew how hard it is to be a mom. But now when I look at my baby’s face, I thought to myself, all those pains, stitches, sore and cracked nipples, they’re totally worth it. All these struggles, I’d go through everything as long as she’s always healthy and happy. Because I love her so much ❤️

You don’t know how much you can love someone, until you realize that you just can’t live without them. When I look at my mother, I realize that she’s getting older and it makes me sad. Knowing that someone who has an unconditional love for me, growing old while I am busy building my own little family, breaks my heart. Have I done enough for her all these while? Will I still be able to spend time with her tomorrow? When I watch my husband sleeps, I realize that there’s an unlimited capacity of love in my heart for him. If I could be given a chance, I’d never want to miss a thing or a moment with him. I could stare at his sleeping face and be contented for this gift in my life. When I kiss my baby, I realize that her smell is the best smell in the world, and I wonder what kind of mother would I be for her.

Silently I pray that all the people I love will always be with me. Selfish thought I know, but I just can’t live without them, or maybe without them, life just will not be the same.

Ah, I’m being overly emotional and sensitive again

Love

I’m writing this while my dear daughter is sleeping soundly in her cot. Today marks the sixth day since I had given birth to a girl whose name which I and my husband had decided, respectively: Nuha Alesha, brings the meaning of the wise and intelligent, and protected and blessed by God.

She’s born on a Thursday afternoon, after almost 3 hours of battle in the labor room, apart from the pain of contraction the night before. I am truly grateful, that my husband was with me in the labor room. I couldn’t have done it without him. He was actually on the bed with me soothing my painful back pain before the delivery, even though I didn’t notice this since I was too high on painkiller. All i could remember was his hands rubbing my back and me telling him not to stop rubbing and not to ask any questions. I pushed the baby out without even opening my eyes, it was so painful that all I could do was only to listen to his voice guiding me during the delivery. And it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. He kissed me on the forehead, saying “Good job, love” and that’s how we started the journey of our little family.

I was admitted to the hospital earlier before my due date, and he spent so much time accompanying me, even though from outside of the ward. Sent me food, taking care of me and cheering me up. I never knew that he could be so mature and protective, now that he is a father, a responsible and understanding, I must say.

I rarely post stuffs about my husband, but I think he deserves this post. Thank you Abang for being with me through my hardest time. Thank you for accepting my flaws and all the ugly sides of me. And most of all thank you for loving me.

I am so tired. My body, my heart, my mind. I hate for not being able to treasure my own sweet time while having breakfast which is supposed to be the most enjoyable thing in a day for me. I hate it when I can’t spend more time talking to my baby even if it’s just in my tummy. I’m sad when I can’t have extra hours for my husband just to cook for him or talk to him. I miss cuddling with him because now I have to have extra pillows supporting my aching back. I’m worried that I’m being too negative while I should be cheerful and positive in these few months more of being pregnant. I’m so exhausted.

Effort

Don’t ever ignore someone’s effort to tell you how much you mean to them. Every word they say might have been revised and rehearsed thousands of times. They might have imagined the scene in their head over and over again. They might be wondering cluelessly about what you’re going to say. They might be hesitating to make the phone call, or draft the message and delete and draft it again, and again. They might use every ounce of courage they have in them to say it out to you, to tell you how much you mean to them, how much they miss you, how much – they love you. At the end of the day, we are scared of rejection, we are afraid of feeling worthless, we afraid our efforts will go to waste and not appreciated.

You think they think too much? No, because I know how hard it is to say something like that to someone. We don’t say what we don’t mean, and what are words, if we don’t really mean them?