Alone

I’m so used to being alone, making my own decision even though I suck at making decisions, doing my grocery shopping alone. I used to be someone who was afraid of being alone and feeling lonely. When I was younger, I couldn’t go anywhere without someone I know accompanying me. Eating alone was the worst kind of event, it felt like the whole world would conspire to stare at you all at once. I hated the feeling of having no one to talk to, no one that I know who could save me when I needed help. I still do. But I realized, people can’t stay forever, they come and go. I need to stop being so dependent on others. I have friends, of course, but they have their own life and business too. I have families, but what can I do when they’re so far away? So I braved up, I started to involve myself in events full of strangers. I walked alone, I drove alone. It was very hard, for someone who always needed company to feel so lost, so isolated, so scared.

That courage that I took  changed me time after time. It shaped me into someone who couldn’t careless about strangers or their stares. I bet it’s true, that when you don’t give a damn, everything becomes easier. I can drive alone now, I’m in a team of people who are not my close friends, I’d eat alone if I want to, I’d go anywhere alone if I feel like to, I can talk to strangers too.  I get comfortable in my own loneliness. Maybe when we’re mature enough, being alone isn’t that bad anymore. Sometimes we need our own time to discover who we really are, to clear off our minds, to dream and think. But it doesn’t mean that I want to spend my whole life in my own solitude, because part of me still yearns for having someone to always be by my side, without me worrying that he might leave. Maybe that’s what we call love when we found that someone and we know we don’t want to be alone anymore. And when you’re apart, that same lost and soulless feeling returns.

“Sometimes life is too hard to be alone, and sometimes life is too good to be alone.”

 

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